Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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