I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
