I want to have your abortion
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
