He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
