youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
