the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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