also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
