As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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