My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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