i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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