He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
