listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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