I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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