It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Damn victory sex feels great
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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