these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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