i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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