i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
