You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
