Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
