I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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