i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
