My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
