i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
