You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
