as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
