If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
