go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When did angry sex become our thing?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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