If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We have started to decorate penises.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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