I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
