shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
