im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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