woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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