I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My vagina is officially offended.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
