don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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