I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
