I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
