sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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