Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
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Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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