I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
