No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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