I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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