Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
