True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
