Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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