I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
