sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
