oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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