Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
