Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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