I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
