i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
