Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
