I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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