we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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