I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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