when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...