Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception